


my best person

by eldee



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Drug Use, Established Relationship, M/M, Panic Attacks, They are so in love, post-S3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2020-03-09 10:21:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18915001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eldee/pseuds/eldee
Summary: Five times David worries about Matteo, and one time he doesn’t.(Or, Matteo has depression. David supports him the best he can.)





	my best person

**Author's Note:**

> I want more than anything for DRUCK to revisit Matteo's MI and explore it further. I also want more than anything to see David's PoV.
> 
> So. I wrote this to cope with those wants.
> 
>  
> 
> (MANY THANKS to chaosmaka not only for keeping me company during the season with many twitter DMs and gifs, but also for answering my questions about Germany and being a first reader on this fic to help point out things that might not sound quite right. I appreciate it so much!)

**1.**

“It’s not a bad job,” Amira says, her eyes following the ping-pong ball.

“Sounds perfect,” David says. 

She makes a face but shrugs. “It’s okay. Okay money if they tip.”

David shifts against the fence they’re leaned against at the park where most of the crew are hanging out for the beautiful spring afternoon. The other ok.cool. guys are deep into a game of table tennis. They all know David will kick anyone’s ass so he’s told he has to wait to play, despite Matteo’s protests to have his own boyfriend on his team, and everyone else’s protests of wanting David on their team too because Matteo gets him at all other times.

David couldn’t help but laugh at them. He sort of hates that he blushes—it’s new, how everyone so easily accepts him and he still needs to get used to it completely—but he puts on a cocky smirk. “I am the best,” he’d told Matteo, and now he watches as they play for rights to have David on their team. It’s some sort of makeshift elimination game they’ve obviously played before.

“I don’t love that I have to work it,” Amira says. “And my family doesn’t know, but—well, the flexible hours are good. Pick up shifts when you can sort of thing.”

He doesn’t push. “I’ll apply.”

“I’ll put in a good word for you,” she says with a smile.

“Cool,” he says to her, grinning. “Sounds good.”

There’s a joyful yell from the table. Carlos, Jonas, and Matteo have their arms in the air in triumph, and Abdi’s head is hung low as he walks away. But he sits on a bench next to Sam and doesn’t look disappointed at all. Abdi’s gaze meets David’s and he makes that gesture, the ‘just tell her’ one, and Abdi half-shrugs but turns adoring eyes back to Sam. David shakes his head to himself. Abdi’ll get there when he’s ready. David knows how that goes.

David and Amira hunch over his phone and bring up the webpage for applications to the food delivery place, and he’s barely had time to bookmark it when there’s another cheer from the table. David glances up in time to see Carlos collapse dramatically at Kiki’s feet.

“Hey,” Amira says. “I like playing ping-pong.”

David grins at her. “Team?”

“Team,” she says firmly.

“Hey, boys,” David calls out as Jonas and Matteo take opposing sides of the table. They glance over at him. “I’ve found a partner.” He slips his arm around Amira’s shoulders. She stands proud at his side. “Us against you two?”

For one quick second, Matteo’s eyes are mutinous that David would dare pick someone else. But then they turn challenging and he and Jonas glance at each other. 

“You’re on,” Jonas says.

David points at Matteo as he walks around the table. “Winner cooks tonight?”

“Yes,” Matteo says.

“Good. I’m in the mood for pasta.” David and Amira take position at their side of the table.

Matteo looks confused. “But that’s my specialty.”

“I know,” David says, “and you’ll be making it for me.”

Everyone else whoops and laughs while David grins smugly at the look of disbelief Matteo pulls.

“Oh, yes,” Amira says, bumping fists with David. “We’re getting you pasta.”

 

**

 

The pasta is, indeed, very good.

 

**

 

David gets the job with the food delivery service, and it really is perfect. Riding his bike around the city, picking up food from restaurants and then dropping it off at people’s homes. He remains active, and dealing with people is quick and easy, and tips can be pretty decent. It’s a good part time job.

“But why,” Matteo says grumpily from David’s bed for the millionth time in the past couple weeks.

“Because I need to work,” David replies patiently for the millionth time.

“No you don’t.” Matteo pouts petulantly.

David kneels on the bed and leans down, pressing a kiss to Matteo’s forehead. “I do. I need to start helping Laura out. It’s not fair for her to do it all, now that I’m not at school. And I should start some savings.”

Matteo sighs, body going pliant, giving in. David’s explained it before. Matteo knows, he gets it, but that doesn’t make him less of a brat when David has to go to work. 

“I know. But on a Saturday?”

“The weekends are the busiest. And drunk people give good tips.” David pushes up off the bed and pulls a t-shirt over his head, and picks up a hoodie in case it cools off that night.

“But the boys are planning something.”

There was some chat that day in the ok.cool. group about doing something that night. “I can join later,” David says. “If I don’t work too late.”

Matteo makes a dismissive noise.

“Tomorrow for sure,” David says. “I’m yours tomorrow.”

“You’re always mine.” 

David rolls his eyes but grins. “Obviously.”

“Okay, fine,” Matteo whines again. “Can I stay here until I meet up with them?”

“Of course.” 

David messages the group to say he’s working that night but maybe he’ll meet up later, but if not he’ll see them next time. He kisses Matteo goodbye, leaving him starfished on the bed staring up at the ceiling, and leaves the flat. Then he focuses on work, only opening his phone when he has to check on orders and deliveries. Later into the evening, he sees a bunch of notifs on ok.cool. and skims briefly to see where they’re meeting.

It’s a busy night, and he doesn’t pay too much attention because he’s definitely not going to make it. 

Nearing midnight and almost done with work, and wanting nothing more than to go home to shower and sleep, he opens the chats one last time. He’s surprised to see a bunch more notifs, and even a couple individual messages.

**Jonas:**  
_Have you heard from Matteo?  
21:34_

_He’s not answering anywhere  
21:50_

_Sorry you’re at work. But if you know, let us know.  
22:01_

David quickly checks the group chat and sees all the guys were messaging trying to get Matteo’s attention and Matteo didn’t answer at all. Sure, sometimes Matteo isn’t that active in the chat but he usually checks in in some small way. 

More surprisingly, he hasn’t messaged David once. Even when David is on shift, Matteo sends at least one quick message, or a gif, or a stupid but funny meme to cheer David on. Sometimes it’s a bunch of stuff, even when he knows David can’t always answer right away. They have an understanding about that.

But right now? Nothing.

David messages Matteo, and then tries to call him, but there’s no answer. He sends Jonas a quick text saying when last he saw Matteo he was at his flat so maybe he’s still there.

He messages Laura asking if she’s at home and if she knew if Matteo is still hanging around.

David bites his lower lip but doesn’t get an answer right away. He puts his phone away and does another food delivery round. After he’s dropped it off, he checks again. Jonas asks David to let him know when he hears from Matteo, and Laura said Matteo was still at their place when she left but that was over four hours ago.

David takes a deep breath and tries to push down the note of panic rising in his throat. Things happen. David, of all people, shouldn’t get mad if someone needs to go silent from the world, especially if it’s only a couple hours. It’s fine. Everything is fine.

David sends a quick message to Hans at the WG to see if maybe Matteo is there, gone to bed or something, or maybe without his phone if he left it behind at David’s. Hans messages back immediately saying there’s a bunch of people over hanging out and drinking and Matteo isn’t there, but they should come home to join.

David sighs and puts his phone away. He does one more quick run, and though he could work longer to pick up some more hours, he signs out at his original scheduled time and bikes home as fast as he can.

 

**

 

Matteo is where David left him.

He’s not starfished out on the bed anymore, instead curled onto his side and clutching the pillow David usually uses. David creeps into the room quietly and crawls onto the bed behind Matteo, relief flooding through his entire body.

“Matteo?” David says softly. 

Matteo snuffles into the pillow and makes sleepy noises. “David?” His voice is soft. “Home already?”

David frowns but kisses Matteo’s shoulder. “I’ve been gone for hours. It’s after midnight.”

“Really?” Matteo shifts onto his back and looks up at David, blinking the sleep out of his eyes. It doesn’t seem to work, and they close again. “I must’ve fallen asleep.”

“This whole time?” 

“I guess.”

“I tried calling you.”

Matteo makes a little soft noise. “I might’ve heard that, but my phone was far away and the ringing stopped.”

David looks around. Matteo’s phone is on the bedside table, barely out of reach.

David brushes Matteo’s hair off his forehead, inconspicuously feeling for temperature. “Are you feeling okay?”

“Sure,” Matteo says sleepily. “Just tired.”

They’d slept late into the day, and lazed around for the afternoon. David is tired but he’d just spend hours cycling around the city. This didn’t entirely seem right, but maybe Matteo’s coming down with something and doesn’t realise.

“I brought food,” David says. “With my discount.”

“Mmm.” Matteo hums but isn’t eager. “Maybe later.”

“For breakfast?”

“Sure.” Matteo rolls into David but then pulls back, nose scrunched. “You stink.”

“I just biked for hours,” David says dryly. 

Matteo pushes weakly on David’s shoulder, not even opening his eyes again. “Go shower, stinky.”

“That was the plan. You sure you don’t want to eat?”

“I’m good.” Matteo rolls over again into the pillow, getting comfortable, but hums happily when David kisses his shoulder again.

David leaves the room, shooting off quick messages to Jonas and Laura to let them know where Matteo is, and thanks Hans but that they were going to stay at David’s that night. 

He showers quickly, drying off and pulling on a pair of boxers and a blue t-shirt with ridiculous palm trees, and goes back into the bedroom. He tries to coax Matteo into changing but it doesn’t work, him being too tired to even shimmy out of his jeans. David is too tired and too relieved to argue, and it isn’t that big of a deal anyway. At least he knows where Matteo was all this time, and that he’s okay.

Curling around Matteo and holding him tight, it takes a while for David to fall asleep though.

David is up with the sun. Matteo sleeps late into the morning.

 

**2.**

David is on the train home from Fürstenberg when he notices the ok.cool. chat has gone silent. There were plans being made the day before, a flurry of activity, and inquiries about when David was going to be home from visiting his godmother.

A good reason, this time. No stress, no anxiety. A short visit to tell her how good life is, and to relax. Matteo had been invited but he’d suddenly become incredibly shy and insisted he shouldn’t intrude, only to message David the night he’d got there to express his regret for turning it down and apologized. David had been slightly disappointed but not angry, and only told Matteo it’s okay, next time for sure. Matteo obviously felt guilty because he invited David home the following week for dinner with his mother. David’s looking forward to it—he’s only met her once briefly at their Abitur.

And as much as he likes time in Fürstenberg, he’s ready to get home. To get to Matteo, and to the plans they had with their friends.

Except.

**Jonas:**  
_So I think not today boys  
10:34_

With no word since. Matteo had messaged David directly to see when he was home and if he could come over to the WG whenever he had a chance. 

David goes there straight from the train station, buzzing up to the flat. He takes the stairs two at time. Matteo stands there, the door wide open, his eyes red rimmed and unhappiness tracing every line of his face. David’s heart pounds.

“Matteo.” David drops his bag in the hallway and Matteo steps straight into his arms, head collapsing against David’s shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

“I fucked up,” Matteo says, muffled against David’s neck. His fingers twist into David’s t-shirt and his shoulders heave. “He hates me now. I—I should have told him but I didn’t and now—” Matteo’s shoulders shudder again.

“You’re okay.” David has no idea what’s going on, but he rubs his hands up and down Matteo’s back soothingly. They’ll figure this out. “You’re okay. It’s okay.”

“It’s not. And I don’t know—” Matteo doesn’t say anything else. He just clings to David and David lets him.

A while later, David hears footsteps on the stairs below. “Come, let’s go in.” He gently disentangles from Matteo, scooping down to pick up his duffle bag. They go in the flat and walk to Matteo’s bedroom, Matteo leading the way though his head’s hung so low it’s a wonder he doesn’t walk into anything. 

David closes the door behind him and stares as Matteo paces the short length of his room, teeth gnawing at a cuticle of his thumb.

“What’s up?” David asks gently.

Matteo stops and for a brief second looks helplessly at David, before his gaze drop again and he paces more. 

“Jonas hates me.”

“I don’t believe that for a second.” 

Matteo shakes his head. “I—you should hate me too.”

“ _Never_. Matteo—” David steps forward but suddenly stops when Matteo gives a little flinch. It shocks him. Matteo’s never shied away from David, not ever, not like this.

“You will. Once you know. Maybe you should just go, just forget—”

“ _Matteo_.” It comes out a little more forcefully than he means, but Matteo stops pacing. Stops moving. Finally meets David’s eyes again. More gently, David implores, “Please. Tell me what happened.”

Matteo takes in a deep breath. He takes a few moments, but David can see the thoughts forming in his head, figuring out what to say. “Jonas and Hanna broke up because of something I did. And Jonas just found out.”

David wasn’t around for that debacle, though he’s heard little bits and pieces of what happened. It seems as though Jonas and Hanna, after months apart but becoming friends, are working things out. It certainly looks that way to him, to everybody.

He takes a moment to let Matteo go on, fill him in, but Matteo’s gone eerily still, face blank as if he’s a million miles away.

“I’m sure it wasn’t—”

“It was me,” Matteo says dully. “Hanna told me something that she did, that could hurt Jonas. And asked me not to tell him. And instead of telling Jonas, I told someone else who would spread it around so it got back to him. Everyone else knew before he did.” 

Hearing this, David thinks even he knows what that thing she did is. Leonie, without bitterness, definitely has stories on Hanna and Jonas and willingly filled David in before he even officially met either of them, back before Matteo was his Matteo. He doesn’t know Hanna super well yet, but he likes her and doesn’t want to judge her for past mistakes, though he doesn’t know how much of this blame should go on Matteo. “If Hanna did something—”

“I should have told Jonas. Or I should have just kept my mouth shut and let Hanna deal with it. She would have. But no. They both got hurt because I’m petty and a fucking idiot—”

“Please stop,” David says. He steps forward, hands reached out to Matteo, but stops before he touches him, just in case it’s not wanted. “Don’t talk about yourself like that.”

Matteo’s chuckle is hollow, lifeless, and he starts pacing again. “Why not? It’s true. I’m awful. That was awful.” His voice rises in pitch, irritation edging the words. “I did it on purpose, I did it to break them up. It blew up then, and it’s blowing up now.” He grabs some yellow thing with red feathers on it off his desk. “Fuck!”

The poor object gets chucked at the wall so hard the precariously perched books topple to the floor. 

David’s shocked, a little. He shouldn’t be, he’s seen a couple bursts of anger from Matteo before, but it’s been a while, and it never seems like something that should come from the quiet, low-key guy David’s come to know.

Matteo stares at the books. Then he turns to start what David thinks is his pacing again, but he brushes right past David and goes to the closed bedroom door. He puts his hand on the knob, as if to open it and leave. David will follow anywhere he goes. But instead, Matteo drops his hand to his side and stares at the door. Eventually, he turns to face David again. He backs up against the door, and with a look of utter defeat, exhausted of his previous angry energy, slides down to the floor.

David waits him out, but he says nothing for moments, minutes, what feels like hours.

Finally, David goes to the door, turns his back against it, and slides right down beside Matteo. He wishes he knew if Matteo wants to be touched or held, and he suspects he does, but he doesn’t want to push Matteo even more.

“I let Hanna think I did it because of feelings for her,” Matteo whispers. He sounds afraid. David’s heart breaks at that. “But.”

David gets it. “It was for him?”

“It’s not like that anymore,” Matteo says, his voice wavering a little, breathless like panic. David can’t help it, can’t stop himself anymore. He reaches out and puts his hand on Matteo’s knee. Matteo’s body drains of tension at once, and he leans against David’s shoulder. 

“I know,” David says. 

“I thought—but I was just trying to figure out—now it’s you. All you.”

David’s mouth quirks on one side, and he leans his head against Matteo’s. “I know.”

“He hates me.”

“He does not. He will not.” Something David and Jonas have in common is Matteo is their favourite person in the entire world. He doesn’t believe Jonas would hate Matteo for anything. “But you might have to give him time. Or you might have to explain to him.” Matteo exhales unhappily. “He needs to understand.”

“I’ve fucked it up,” Matteo whispers. He leans against David more heavily, so David shifts so he can wrap his arm around Matteo and cradle him more closely to his body. 

“You have not. But you might have to put some work into this. If you really want to make it better.”

“I do,” Matteo says immediately.

“I know.” David smiles and kisses the top of Matteo’s head. 

They sit there for as long as Matteo needs.

 

**3.**

Matteo isn’t waiting outside the WG like they’d planned, so David parks his bike and buzzes up. The speaker crackles and Hans tells David to come on up, and opens the door for him.

Hans’ smile is small and somewhat sympathetic.

“Hey,” David greets as he steps inside. “Matteo’s here?”

“He is,” Hans says carefully.

“We’re supposed to go to his mom’s for dinner,” David says. He’d taken an earlier shift that day to make it work. Lunch hours aren’t as busy as nights and weekends, but at least he fit in a short shift.

“I see. Matteo is in his room. He hasn’t really left it since he got home from your place.”

David blinks. “That was two mornings ago.” David doesn’t love going that long without seeing Matteo, but things happen and he’d worked a bit, and then spent time with Laura. Matteo had been invited but he’d declined by text, saying the siblings should hang out together instead but he’d see him when they went to his mom’s. There hadn’t seemed anything off in the text, other than Matteo usually liked hanging out with them. But maybe he needed a little breathing room, and there was nothing wrong with that. David hadn’t thought anything was wrong.

It’s then that David catches the scent on the air, sweet and burning. He hadn’t even realised it’s something that’s been absent until hit with it.

“He’s been smoking since he got home too,” Hans says, frowning. Then he holds up his hands. “Which is anyone’s right, and no one here minds that Matteo does. But. He hasn’t been lately.”

David remembers when he first met Matteo; the first time they talked in the hall over a joint. Their first hang out in the WG smoking up and making sandwiches. Their first morning in bed, swapping kisses and sharing a joint. David is indifferent to smoking, usually, doesn’t do it much on his own, but it’d been a way to connect with Matteo at first. Weed and a conversation. He’s barely noticed it wasn’t even a factor anymore.

“Hmm. Is he okay?”

“Matteo is...” Hans trails off. Then he shrugs. “Matteo is Matteo, and he’s a lot of things. But he hasn’t been like this since being with you.”

David doesn’t know what to say to that. He knows Matteo now, and the way he’s been the past week is not the Matteo he’s familiar with. Everything feels new again. Or new still, maybe.

“People aren’t cures,” Hans says. “They’re just people. But I think he’d be happy to see you.”

David’s mouth twists with thought. Then he nods. “Okay. I’ll go see him.”

“I think he’d like that,” Hans says quietly, and pats David’s shoulder as he walks by.

David knocks on Matteo’s door but pushes it open without an invite. The room is thick with smoke and heavy in the scent of weed. Matteo is sprawled across the armchair, head hanging over one side and legs dangling on the other. There’s a joint in his mouth.

He turns his head slightly to David, and he smiles around the joint. “Hey.” He takes it out of his mouth and holds it out to David in offer.

“I’m good,” David says, shaking his head.

A crease develops between Matteo’s eyebrows as he frowns, but then he nods. “Sure?”

“I’m sure.”

Matteo shrugs but he leans over and puts the joint out in the ashtray on the small round table in the middle of the room. The brown paraphernalia pouch sits there, open, and there’s more than one roach left in the bottom of the ashtray.

Glancing around, he sees Matteo’s room is messier than usual, clothes strewn around and beer bottles and dishes with food still left on the desk and bedside table.

“Hey,” David says. “You ready?”

“Ready?” Matteo sits up in the chair, only to sink into it further, legs sprawled out in front of him.

“Dinner tonight. With your mom?”

Matteo blinks slowly. “That’s today? I thought it was tomorrow.”

“Nope, it’s today. We were supposed to meet downstairs.”

Matteo rubs the heels of his hands over his bloodshot eyes, the bags underneath bruised blue with tiredness while the rest of his face looks so, so pale. “Shit. I forgot.”

David frowns. “We texted about it last night.”

“I know,” Matteo says, a little irritably. “But I forgot. And I can’t—I’m such a fuck up.”

“You’re not,” David says automatically. He hates the look on Matteo’s face, a sad hopelessness.

“I am. I forgot. I can’t see her like—” He gestures to himself, like he’s something of disgust. “This.”

“You’re fine,” David says, and realises immediately it’s a lie. Matteo clearly isn’t fine, and they both know it. “I mean, I don’t think she’d mind, will she?”

Matteo shakes his head and pats his pockets, glancing around. He heaves himself off the chair to get his mobile off the desk, and it looks like incredibly difficult work. “She’ll just worry and I don’t want to upset her. I’ll have to cancel. Fuck.”

“We don’t have to—”

“I can’t go like this!” He throws one hand out to the side while the other thumbs at the screen. Then they both fall to his sides, listless.

“I’m sorry,” Matteo whispers.

“It’s okay.” David goes to him, reaches out and Matteo immediately crumbles into him, leaning against David as though David could hold up the weight of the world. He’d try, for Matteo, he would. “It’s okay.”

“I wish this didn’t happen.” Matteo’s voice is soft against David’s neck. “I thought, when we—but it’s happening again.”

“What?” David’s hand slides up the back of Matteo’s neck and he presses his fingertips against Matteo’s scalp, circling them softly. “What’s happening?”

“This.” He goes silent, still, and doesn’t speak anymore.

David doesn’t know what ‘this’ is, exactly, but that’s not going to stop him being here for Matteo. “It’s okay. Don’t feel bad.”

Matteo snorts into David’s shoulder. “Sometimes I don’t know how not too.”

David glances over at the ashtray. “Is that why you’re—”

“It helps. Sometimes, it helps.”

David doesn’t know what to say to that. Matteo doesn’t seem any better than the days before. Now he’s just high and languid and upset. “Do you want to lay down?”

“Yeah.” They get onto the bed, and Matteo stares up at the ceiling. His mobile is still in hand and it pings softly at him. He looks at the screen and his eyes tear up. “She says it’s too bad. But maybe next week?”

“That’d be nice. But only if you want.”

Matteo’s hand drops listlessly to the bed, not answering the text yet. “Stay here with me?” he asks into the air above him.

David curls around him tighter. “Of course.”

 

**

 

David only sleeps once Matteo sleeps, and for all the napping Matteo did the week before and the weed he had today, he isn’t sleeping much right now. Instead they stay curled up in bed, watching stupid videos on David’s phone or listening to music and just being together. Matteo’s strangely still and silent for most of it, as if caught in a fog and not able to see his way out.

At one point, David’s stomach growls and he gets up to grab them food, even though Matteo says he isn’t hungry. Matteo’s shelf in the fridge isn’t empty—it still has the two take-out containers David brought for him the weekend before. He opens them and they’re still full, and after sniffing them and making a face, he chucks them in the garbage.

He makes them toast to share. Matteo only eats half a piece, but David doesn’t argue him on it. He doesn’t think it’d work, and probably will only make things worse.

It’s late into the night when Matteo finally drifts off and David lets himself sleep too.

David reluctantly goes to work the next afternoon. He doesn’t want to leave, but Matteo insists it’s fine. He’s still not convinced that it is, or that Matteo is one hundred percent okay with it, but Matteo starts to look anxious when David talks about calling off, like he’s about to ruin David’s life or something. David agrees to go with the promise to return after his shift, and he’s going to shorten it if staffing allows. It’s a compromise that works for both of them.

He’s coming out of an apartment building to his bike after a food drop off when he sees them across the street. Jonas and Hanna walking along, laughing and happy, a take-out bag hanging in Jonas’ hand.

He’s trying to decide if he should call out to them — of course he should, they’re his friends now — when the decision is out of his hands when Hanna glances over and recognizes him. She smiles widely and waves, so he waves back, and they cross the street to meet up with David.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hi!” Hanna gives him a quick hug. “Are you working? Should we let you go?”

“Yes. But don’t worry about it. Hey.” He holds a fist out to Jonas, who bumps it.

“Hey. You okay?” Jonas frowns. “You look a little tired.”

“You’re telling me I look like shit.” 

“No, no, I—”

David grins at him, tiredly. “Nah, it’s okay. I just didn’t sleep much last night.”

“Everything okay?” Hanna asks with concern.

He wonders. He wonders how much he should say. They both have known Matteo much longer than he has, but he also knows that Matteo and Jonas haven’t talked yet. Not really, anyway.

David is just so tired, and at a loss at what to do about the boy he loves. “It’s... you haven’t talked to Matteo lately, have you?”

Jonas’ lips purse and he exchanges a look with Hanna. “No. Not yet. He hasn’t reached out.”

David nods. He knew that but he needed a segway in. “He wants to, but he thinks you won’t want to talk to him.”

“I don’t know if I’m ready yet,” Jonas says. Trust him to be honest.

“Jonas.” Hanna sounds concerned. “We talked about this.”

“Yes, but I don’t know if I’m ready to talk to Matteo. I’m just—confused. And hurt. I’m allowed to be.” It’s said with conviction, and it really is obvious they’ve talked about it before.

“Yes, but I told you, he didn’t mean to hurt you,” Hanna says. “You know he didn’t. And he and I spoke about it. I’m the one who should be mad, and I’m not.”

“He thinks you hate him,” David bursts out. Then he winces. He probably shouldn’t have said that.

Jonas looks surprised. “Of course I don’t.”

David nods. He knows this. “He’s just...” David trails off. He doesn’t know how to put this. Maybe it’s not his place. This entire conversation shouldn’t be happening without Matteo and now David feels guilty for it. 

“You smell like weed,” Hanna says suddenly. David blinks at her. “Well, your hair did. When I hugged you. A little.” She purses her lips together. “It’s not yours, is it?”

He stares at her, but then he shakes his head. 

Hanna looks sad and Jonas closes his eyes and swears under his breath.

“He’s always done it though, right?” David asks. “Or, he did when I met him. Must’ve done so before that, too.”

Jonas nods. Hanna says, “But he does it to cope, and maybe—maybe he needs something more.”

“I thought, maybe, when he met you…” Jonas says, trailing off.

“People aren’t cures,” David says, echoing Hans. He doesn’t even know what he’s supposed to be a cure for, or what Matteo is trying to cope with, but he knows he isn’t a fix-it. A cure-all for Matteo’s ills. David knows better than anyone that’s not how it works. “They’re supports.”

“I’m glad you’re with him,” Jonas says suddenly. “Even if he’s still struggling, you’re good for him.”

“Okay,” David says. “He’s good for me too.”

Jonas smiles. “Yeah. Listen, can you tell him—when he’s ready to talk, I will. He just has to let me know when.”

David nods. “I’ll tell him.”

“Has he told you about his mother?” Jonas asks, another statement that feels like it should be out of the blue but clearly isn’t.

David treads carefully. “A little.” It’d been a quiet conversation, late one night not long after they’d finally got together, before he’d met her that one brief time. She’d seemed fine at the time, but Matteo had led him to believe that, maybe, it used to be really not okay. But she was better now.

Jonas nods. “It’d been hard on him, when he was younger. And I think he’d do anything to ignore that maybe, just maybe, he’s more like her than he thinks.”

David doesn’t know what to make of that, and Hanna is clearly surprised at what Jonas said too, but something dawns in her eyes, a clarity that David wishes he understood. She gives David a supportive smile, and links her arm through Jonas. “We should let you get back.”

Back to work, back to Matteo, he doesn’t know. Both.

“I’ll see you soon?” David says as he gets on his bike, adjusting the food carrier pack on his back.

“Yes.” Hanna nods. “All of us?”

David gives a half smile. “I hope so.”

“Tell him for me,” Jonas says. “Please.”

“I will, for sure.”

They make their way down the sidewalk, and David bikes off in the opposite direction. He does his job, but their conversation, and Matteo’s behaviour the last couple weeks, goes through his mind, over and over and over.

 

**

 

That night after they go to bed, and Matteo is finally asleep, it’s still running through David’s mind. He opens Google on his phone and bites his lip, glancing over at Matteo to make sure he’s sleeping. He would either get mocked, or maybe yelled at, for this right now.

Then he starts typing in symptoms. Only not his own this time.

 

**4.**

Mia is home from Spain for a couple days for a quick visit before she returns to her internship.

Not that the crew ever needs a reason to throw a party, but it’s a good one. The WG thumps with music, the furniture in the living room pushed aside for a dance floor, and there’s a couple strobe lights dug up from somewhere flashing about. All the windows are open and a handful of small fans move warm air around. The summer’s heat is closing in on them.

David’s in one corner of the living room, catching up with Leonie and Sara, who tell him all about which applications they’ve heard back about and which ones they haven’t, between drinks and songs they _have_ to dance to. As the summer moves on, they’ll all be making plans for the fall. David’s still waiting to hear from a couple programs he applied to. 

Across the living room, Matteo sits with Jonas and Carlos, laughing at something on one of their phones. Matteo had gone for lunch with Jonas a couple days before, and he was vague in filling David in, which is totally his right, but they seem to be okay. While he doesn’t think it’s completely smoothed out, they’re both making the effort to get there.

It’s a fucking relief, really.

David keeps an eye on Matteo as time passes, despite the teasing he gets from the girls, and Hans, and even that guy named Alex he doesn’t know particularly well. Matteo hasn’t smoked but he’s had a few beers, and as the night wears on, David can see how Matteo struggles to keep up with conversation, and starts to close in on himself. He gets more and more exhausted as more people show up and the volume gets louder the drunker everyone gets.

“Hey.” David slips an arm around Matteo’s shoulders, and Matteo leans against David’s side. “Okay?”

Matteo shrugs. “Sure.”

David tilts Matteo’s chin up with two fingers. He searches his eyes, and gives him a soft kiss. Matteo automatically kisses him back. Someone catcalls from nearby and David chuckles into the kiss when Matteo waves a middle finger around. 

“I’m kind of tired,” Matteo admits into David’s ear. 

“Okay. Do you want to go back to my place?” 

Matteo shrugs, pressing his face into David’s neck. Clearly Matteo needs to rest, but convincing him to go all the way to David’s might be difficult. But he needs quiet, he needs to not be around everyone right this second. David tries to figure out a way to go about this. It’s not his place to kick everyone out, but man, he sure wants to. Anything for Matteo.

“Lovebirds!” Jonas calls out. “Oi! Lovers! Oi! Wanna go to the club?”

David and Matteo don’t answer, but there are plenty of other lovebirds that cry out in agreement, and people start shuffling around, gathering their belongings and making their way to the door.

Jonas gives David a meaningful look, and David smiles back appreciatively.

Matteo makes no move to go, and David doesn’t ask him to. He merely shakes his head when people ask if they’re going, and everyone just pats them on the shoulders and kisses their cheeks or gives them fist bumps as they make their way out.

“Sorry,” Matteo says once everyone’s gone.

David cups his hands around Matteo’s cheeks, tilting his head up to look at him. “Never apologize for spending time with me.”

Matteo smiles, a little sad around the corners. “I’m sure you want to hang out with friends.”

“I did,” David says. “For hours and hours. And now I have you to myself.” He pulls Matteo flush up against him, and Matteo sighs contently when David kisses him deeply.

“Are you going to be mad if I say I’m too tired for more than this?” Matteo asks.

David shakes his head. “Never.”

David knows they need to talk about this, and soon, but it isn’t the right time. Not when Matteo’s been drinking, and is clearly too tired to stand upright on his own. They make their way through the messy living room, both muttering about cleaning up in the morning, and close themselves into Matteo’s room.

They help each other undress, stripping down to boxers and changing into clean t-shirts. They climb into bed and curl up, facing each other. David runs his fingers through Matteo’s hair, and Matteo’s eyes close peacefully as he tilts into it.

“I’m sorry,” Matteo says again.

“For what?”

“For...” He trails off and shrugs. 

“Nothing to apologize for,” David tells him again. 

“I wish I wasn’t like this.”

“You’re the best,” David says. Matteo snorts, but at least he smiles. “We’ll talk about it later, okay? Just get some sleep.”

Matteo sighs but nods, the pillowcase rustling against his cheek. He snuggles in when David pulls him closer.

 

**

 

“Oh. Hey.” David comes into Matteo’s room the next morning. He’d been helping Hans and Mia and Linn clean up the mess from the party, and came into Matteo’s room with a cup of coffee for each of them. He hadn’t expected Matteo to be up, sitting in his armchair.

He looks exhausted, despite all the sleep he got.

“My drug dealer once told me,” Matteo starts, then laughs at the look on David’s face. “He told me,” Matteo says, with a bit of a grin, “that every person is an island. And we have to build bridges by talking and shit.”

“Deep,” David says, impressed. 

Matteo nods. “Yeah. It helped. At the time.” He takes the mug David hands him. 

David sits down on the little couch in Matteo’s room, facing him. “That’s good.”

“Yeah.” Matteo stares into his mug. “But I’m still like this. I talked to Jonas. I talk to you all the time. And I’m still like this.”

“His advice is good—”

“Even for a drug dealer?” Matteo asks, grinning again.

“For anyone,” David admits. “For a person trying to help someone else.”

Matteo nods. “Sure.”

“But maybe,” David says, “some people need more than advice.”

Matteo goes still. 

“Maybe someone who is professionally trained to help people who are going through stuff.”

Matteo makes a face. “You think I need a shrink.”

“I think,” David says carefully, “some people need different kinds of help than other people.” After a few moments of silence, David adds, “Like. Medical professionals. A psychologist.”

“My drug dealer also said that people get too dependent on pills,” Matteo counters.

“That’s... interesting, coming from a drug dealer. But I think, maybe, there’s a difference between dependency on recreational drugs, and taking properly prescribed treatments.”

“People get dependent on those too.”

“Sure,” David says. “But it can be professionally monitored.”

Matteo shrugs. “I guess.” Matteo falls quiet again, and David gives him the time he needs. “My mom… she went and saw a doctor. Maybe a psychologist, I’m not sure. But now she’s on pills.”

“And how is she doing?”

“Better. But she’s always going to be on them. Or she should be, anyway.” He traces a finger around the top of his mug. ”What if I’m like that,” he says, so quiet David barely hears him. “My dad left because she was like that. He couldn’t take it.”

“I don’t know him, and I barely know her, and I don’t know what it was like when they were together,” David says, just as quietly. “But I know I love you.”

Matteo’s eyes are so sad. “What if you decide you don’t? Especially if I keep having to see a doctor? Like. Always. Doctors and treatment and all that shit. You don’t want that.”

“I want you,” David says. “And if that comes with you, then okay. I’m okay with that.”

Matteo snorts in disbelief. “How could you be? How could you want a boyfriend like that?”

“What’s wrong with that? You do.”

There’s a brief pause as Matteo’s nose scrunches up. “I do what?”

“Have a boyfriend like that. One who will rely on doctors and treatments and all that shit for the rest of his life.”

“That’s not that same,” Matteo says instantly.

David shakes his head. “No. No, what you and I go through is not the same, but it’s—” David tilts his head, thinking. “It’s like this. There’s nothing wrong with me—”

“—of course there’s not,” Matteo interrupts reassuringly. The corner of David’s mouth purses from breaking out in a smile. He gets David every time, like this, and his heart could just fucking explode.

“And there’s nothing wrong with you. You don’t have to be _fixed_. But maybe you need some… help.”

Matteo bites on his lip and stares at David. That stare could go right through his soul. David welcomes it.

“There’s something about me,” David continues, “and about you, that—biologically, genetically, chemically, I don’t know, I’m not the one who studied bio for my abi—”

“That’s okay, neither did I.”

David rolls his eyes. “Ha ha. You know what I mean. Maybe we’re not like everyone else, and maybe we just have to—try a little harder. Not the same as each other, but—Matteo, no one can do this for you but yourself. And only if you want to.”

“But you want me to,” Matteo eventually says.

“I want you happy. I want you to live life, and enjoy it, and—if this is how you want to, then okay.” David smiles, trying to be reassuring. “It’s okay. I’m here for you either way. I’m not leaving.”

David falls silent and waits while Matteo mulls everything over in his head. Eventually he puts down the untouched cup of coffee and rubs his eyes with both hands. “That was exhausting,” he says. “Can we stop talking about this for now?”

“Of course.”

Matteo nods his head in relief, and pushes himself off of his chair with effort. He immediately collapses onto David’s lap, a knee on either side of David’s thighs. Matteo cups his hands around David’s neck, and David reaches up and places his hands over Matteo’s, thumbs brushing against his knuckles.

“I love you,” Matteo says, and leans down to kiss the crap out of David. David is way okay with this.

 

**5.**

They don’t talk about it again for weeks. David navigates the passing days as well as he can, dealing with his own life and incorporating Matteo into it.

Matteo goes through ups and downs. Most days, he’s the goofy, silly boy David’s always seen, with stupid humour and an attachment to embarrassing memes and gifs, and a deep, unconditional love for his friends. And, when his appetite returns, ridiculous ravenous eating habits that David, no questions asked, has to tease him about. 

Other times, he goes on a down swing, sometimes just quiet and mellow and stuck in his own head, and sometimes, sometimes, he goes further down and it’s more effort to make sure he doesn’t slip right through David’s fingers. David always does his best, despite the state Matteo is in and how busy David’s life is, to make sure Matteo knows he’s not alone.

Mistakes are made. It’s a lot and it’s overwhelming and sometimes David feels like the worst boyfriend in the world because it’s _hard_ and he’s at a loss on how to help. Feelings are hurt, and feelings are repaired, and Matteo never lets David feel that way long. 

Those days are the most exhausting, for both of them, but they cling to each other and David knows, he _knows_ , their love is always there. Despite any doubts and worries he has, that is the constant that gets him, them, through.

They always come back to each other in the best way possible.

 

**

 

Summer moves along at an alarming pace. David juggles his time as best he can; always with Matteo on his mind, he still spends time with Laura. He has an uncomfortable visit with their parents. He has a much better one with his godmother, this time with Matteo along, after admitting he’d backed out last time due to anxiousness of not being good enough in the eyes of someone who cares so deeply for David. But the visit goes off without a hitch, and Matteo charms the hell out of David’s godmother, just as he knew he would.

The crew, the squad, all their friends, in one combination or another, are always up for a good time. There’s festivals to attend, and pride marches to join, and nights at the club to dance away, and backyard bonfires to gather around, and a memorable weekend trip to a cabin by the lake.

They have a nice BBQ with Matteo’s mother. It’s easy to see where Matteo gets his love from, because she clearly loves Matteo with her whole heart, and she’s sweet and kind to David. Matteo comes away from that day overwhelmed but happy.

There’s a run in with old schoolmates, ones who know some of his new friends through mutual acquaintances, and it becomes a big _thing_ and he hates it more than anything. He sees Matteo angrier than he ever has, and David has to convince him not to go off. But one thing David knows, without a doubt, though: he’s found his place in the world with an amazing boyfriend, and their amazingly supportive friends.

Matteo goes through four bouts of anger with broken objects in either his or David’s home, and he slides to the ground listlessly on two different occasions but at least David isn’t alarmed this time, and once in a while the smell of pot sticks to his clothes. David stays with him through it all, and they come out the other side relatively unscathed.

David saves up tips and takes Matteo away for a weekend to a fancy hotel room where they order room service, lay around naked, make good use of the private Jacuzzi, and have the most amazing sex ever. Matteo surprises David with the sweetest, most romantic date that brings them both to tears, and David knows, he knows, this is _it_.

 

**

 

They fall even more in love, in good days and in bad.

 

**

 

David witnesses for the first time Matteo have a panic attack.

Jonas, Amira, Mia, Kiki, Sara and Leonie and even Abdi all received their acceptance to school in the fall — and David heard back from two film programs and has to choose which one he wants to go to.

Life is now, but life moves on, and Matteo’s hit with the fact that everything will not stay the same forever.

“Hey. Hey.” David kneels in front of Matteo, who is sitting on the floor, backed into the corner of David’s room. “It’s okay. You’re okay. Deep breaths, just breathe.” 

Matteo’s breathing finally evens out but tears well in the corner of his eyes. David’s had his own panic attacks, back at his old school, and knows what they’re like, but seeing the man he loves go through this breaks his heart in ways he never expected. Matteo should never feel like this.

“It’s not okay,” Matteo whispers. His voice is weak and watery. “I have no idea what to do with my life, and everyone is moving on.”

“It’s not like that,” David says gently. He puts his hands on Matteo’s knees.

“You’re moving on,” Matteo says. It sounds lifeless. David wishes it was angry or bitter or anything other than the hollowness it has.

“Not without you,” David says. “I’m going to go to school because it’s what I want. But I’m not leaving _you_.”

Matteo sighs and a tear slips down his cheek. “I wish I wasn’t like this.” David’s heard it before, and it breaks his heart every time.

“You’re amazing,” David says. 

Matteo snorts and shakes his head, but he moves forward when David tugs gently on the hem of his shorts. They stretch out on the floor because getting up is too much work right now, and curl around each other. David tries to steady the pounding of his own heart while focusing on Matteo, hands rubbing up and down his back soothingly. It’s a relief when Matteo falls asleep, hands clutching the back of David’s shirt.

Matteo stays in David’s bed for two days while David’s in and out. He works double shifts he’d already signed up for because he needs money before school starts, and he stops by a small gathering Leonie’s hosting, and he brings in food that Matteo doesn’t eat.

On the third morning, David wakes up past noon after working a late shift. Matteo is awake, leaning against the wall in bed next to David. David rolls over and presses his face against Matteo’s hip. 

“Morning,” he says, muffled. He takes one of Matteo’s hands in his. He has the day off and he doesn’t plan on doing anything but keeping Matteo close.

“Morning.” Matteo’s quiet for a moment, then says, “So. Have any recommendations for a good psychologist?”

That jolts David more awake. He blinks up at Matteo, who’s gnawing on his bottom lip as he stares at his mobile rather than looking at David.

“As a matter of fact, I do.” He brings Matteo’s hand to his lips and kisses his knuckles.

Matteo nods. “I thought maybe.” He finally meets David’s eyes and gives a small smile.

 

**

 

Matteo gets an appointment for the next week. They walk into the doctor’s office and Matteo looks so nervous he might get sick. “Hey,” David says softly, bumping shoulders against him. “If you’re not ready, it’s okay.”

Matteo just shrugs one shoulder but walks up to the receptionist’s desk. She glances up and gives him a smile, but her eyes light up when she sees David.

“David! I didn’t think you had an appointment today.” 

David shakes his head. “Hi. No, not today.” He elbows Matteo.

“Uh, hi.” Matteo’s fingers drum against the desktop. “It’s me. I do. Matteo Florenzi.”

“Oh, yes,” she says, looking at her computer screen. “First time here?” Matteo nods. She gives him some paperwork to fill out and David tells him he’s going to go sit down and wait. When Matteo’s finished, he joins David, taking the seat beside him in the waiting room. He picks at a thread at the knee of his jeans.

“Okay?” David says.

Matteo nods, though he looks nervously down the hall, as if waiting for an executioner to walk out rather than a doctor. 

“If you don’t want to—”

“I’m here,” Matteo says. “I can do this.”

“Of course you can,” David says. He takes Matteo’s hand in his and squeezes it. “If it’s what you want.”

“You sure you won’t come in?”

“I’m here for you,” David says. “But I think that part you should do on your own.”

“Yeah, I know.”

They wait for a few minutes, Matteo’s knee bouncing up and down as he clutches David’s hand, before Matteo’s called in. David elbows him supportively and Matteo gives a half smile and takes a deep breath, standing to follow the receptionist to one of the offices down the hall.

David waits patiently, scrolling through his phone. The ok.cool. chat is busy making plans but David says they’ll let them know. He’s not about to commit either of them to something until he knows how Matteo’s feeling.

An hour later, Matteo comes out to the waiting room. He goes back to the receptionist’s desk again, and they speak briefly, then he comes over to David.

David stands. “All’s good?”

Matteo nods. “Yeah. I’m good. Ready to go?”

“Of course.”

They walk to the bus stop in relative silence. Matteo’s quiet and in his head, but he’s seems to be doing okay. Maybe just processing or absorbing, David doesn’t know, but when Matteo meets his eyes, he smiles softly and the worry David didn’t realise he’s holding onto melts away.

They’re sitting on the bus when Matteo pulls out his phone and scrolls. He must’ve opened the ok.cool. chat because he bumps David’s shoulders. “Drinks tonight.”

“You up for it?”

Matteo takes a moment, but then he nods and starts typing. “Yeah. Maybe just for a little while.”

David smiles. “Sure.”

Matteo puts his phone away. “I have another appointment in a couple weeks.”

“You want that?”

Matteo picks at the thread on his jeans again. Finally, he nods. “I need it.”

“Okay,” David says. 

“Thank you,” Matteo whispers. 

“Nothing to thank me for.”

Matteo leans his head back against the bus window and closes his eyes. “I have everything to thank you for.”

David’s heart feels like it’s going to explode again. This sweet boy is going to be the death of him.

 

**+1**

David wakes up after his first week of lectures in Matteo’s bed, and it’s the best feeling of home. Matteo’s next to him, awake and half-lidded eyes gazing at David, his fingers lightly pushing back hair off David’s forehead.

“Morning,” David says. He rubs his cheek against the pillow, then leans closer to Matteo. 

Matteo kisses him softly. “Hey.” He waits a few seconds, then he nods his head in the direction of the bedside table. David looks over his shoulder and sees the pill bottle sitting there.

“I took the first one,” Matteo says.

Matteo’s gone to therapy sessions a few times over the last month but he’s seemed reluctant over the pills. David supported him and let him know it’s okay to take them when he was ready, or not at all if that’s what he decides. He did encourage him to speak to his mother about it, as difficult as it may seem, and they’d had dinner, just the two of them, the week before. Matteo came home from his next session with the prescription.

“Okay,” David says. He shifts closer to the Matteo in bed, putting his head against Matteo’s chest.

“My head feels the same as yesterday,” Matteo says. His hand slips under David’s t-shirt, fingers rubbing against the small of David’s back. 

David presses his lips against Matteo’s skin. “I think it takes longer than that to kick in. And, I don’t know, maybe you won’t even notice. Maybe things will just...”

“Even out?” Matteo says. Matteo’s hand moves up David’s back steadily.

David nods. He doesn’t know enough about this to comment in depth, but he knows Matteo’s talked to his doctor and his mother and has read information pamphlets and articles and everything. He takes his time, but he’s thorough before coming to a decision and making a commitment, and now he’s chosen to take the step forward. David doesn’t think anything will stop him now.

“And how to do you feel, like... emotionally?” David asks. 

Matteo’s fingers settle on the bare skin between David’s shoulder blades, and his other hand pushes up the front of his shirt so his fingers trail lightly over David’s belly. David tilts his head up and Matteo captures his lips in a kiss, deepening it. They shift on the bed so Matteo hovers over David, still pressing kisses against his lips.

“I definitely feel the same as yesterday,” Matteo says against his mouth, his fingers trailing over David’s ribs, making him squirm with light tickles.

“That’s not what I meant,” David says, tugging lightly on Matteo’s hair so that they’re looking at each other.

Matteo laughs and then presses his face against David’s neck. “What more do I need? Besides, you’re my best drug.”

“I’m not a drug. I’m not a cure,” David says, interlocking their fingers together. “I’m just a person.”

“You’re my best person.”

David grins and kisses Matteo’s temple. “Okay,” he says. “I’ll give you that.”


End file.
